It's Sunday after Thanksgiving and I'm lying in bed trying to catch up on work that needs to be done for tomorrow. Cooked the big guy by myself this year...turned out pretty fabulous (so my guests say)!

I'm exhausted...and time and time again, I have moments that I would like to record for keepsake but never gather the energy to jot down.

Ridiculous weekend with Dafna...pretty unforgettable...the whole crew knows about it, we'll never forget it!

On that note, I'm going to make this a lame blog entry and leave it at that...gotta get back to work.

View of Boston from my bedroom window...

Its an awesome city, all I have to say...

Soon to be Fenway local...

I have to admit, not too long ago, New England was some obscure region in my minimal geographical lexicon. In just a few weeks, I will packing my bags up and heading out to Boston, MA where the clam chowdah and lobster should be the best I've ever had! Notice my excitement for food, that will never change, but what team I root for in this year's MLB championship or even NBA finals will most likely be my future home teams of Boston.

Living accomodations: none other than in the heart of Fenway itself...just a few blocks from Fenway Park and a myriad of bars/restaurants to dive into and meet locals and embrace the Bostonian lifestyle!

Yeah, I'm excited in a weird way...I feel like I'm going off to college! (ironic in that I wanted to go to BU for college and had to turn it down since the tuition was equivalent to a mortgage on a house).

But everything aside, the best part is going to be the awesome people from all over the world I will soon be introduced to....

Life outside the Hospital...

is not supposed to overlap with life inside the hospital!!!

I got a cute spot down the street from where I live where I enjoy a good cup of joe and get my study on. But time and time again, I run into THE doc that could potentially determine my fate as a surgeon. NO exageration ladies and gentlemen, he is the one to make or break me.

Now to be fair, he's a great guy and was a wonderful mentor. I just piss my pants everytime I see him (no other doc does this to me). Not sure if its the pressure to constantly impress him or my own insecurities around those of authority, but either way....its pathetic! My boy who works here laughs at me everytime...my nervousness is that obvious!

Some might say take advantage of hanging outside the hospital, I say, if I had some paxil, maybe I could...

Uncertainty...

I have to believe that everyone goes through a phase in life where everything is completely uncertain...as if nothing in life is for sure, even life itself.

Forgive me for the deep thought, but in my current state of mental mayhem, I find myself feeling constantly uneasy. It's a feeling I'm sure most people go through when there are big changes. When one must take a "leap of faith" so to speak and trust that the future will unfold as it should. I like to think that the pieces will soon fit together, I being the master behind the puzzle. Better yet, perhaps just postpone the time when decisions are definitive in order to see which pieces fit better together.

Hence, my temporary escape from medicine. At my loss in the ability to take that leap, I have chosen to defer my fate yet one more year and pursue what I hope will only add color and adventure to the game of life. I'm looking forward to my time in Boston and what an incredible opportunity this can be. Some might call it an experience, others take it as an accomplishment, I on the other hand, find it a relief.

The mere thought of being able to be free for a year is blissful. Now, freedom is really a relative term at this point. The curriculum I'm sure will be challenging, but I can only anticipate that my time will be more my own and that I can do some personal development while I'm at it. Will this alternative help me figure out my ultimate plan...who knows? All I can ask for is an experience that reassures me that life is worth living and that it truly is the journey and not the destination.
Now that notion, the journey and not just the destination, can be applied to any aspect of life. Day to day life, interactions with people, and the experiences that build memories are all based on the events in its entirety and not the final outcome. In taking this moment of reflection, I'm glad to know that this is still my approach to life.

And to quickly touch on the point that aroused me to such thought- the concept that life in itself has no guarantee. Even in a time of medical breakthroughs and pharmacological miracles, one can never be certain of the day. From the patients I watched being resuscitated in the ER after a traumatic accident to the children battling a fatal infection, I am humbled by the fact that I don't fear my life or even my death. I don't sit here with a terminal illness waiting for my sentence nor do I fearfully anticipate the accident that might take my life...
(I say this as I hear yet another helicopter hover over my house to rapidly transport a patient as the folks in the ED work to save someone from their final moments...sit back and think about it...and at the same time, I sit here and think about someone close to me awaiting the possiblity of a fatal diagnosis that can take her life within months)

I continue on each day never worried about the next...And today, I'm grateful for it.

Surgery?

Who woulda thunk it? Shabby (now called Shabnam)... a Surgeon?

As the year has gone by, I've placed myself in the shoes of various doctors to taste-test what I wanted my future to look like. As each rotation passed, I flirted with the idea of every one of them minus psychiatry. Now, rotation #4, I find myself craving the role of a surgeon. From what they do to what they study, I love it!

Of course every great field has its drawbacks...and the lifestyle is the #1 reason why people don't do it.

So the big question really to be asked is not whether or not I want to be a surgeon, its whether or not I'm willing to sacrifice my life for it...

I wish I could walk away from it entirely...but something is stopping me.