Uncertainty...

I have to believe that everyone goes through a phase in life where everything is completely uncertain...as if nothing in life is for sure, even life itself.

Forgive me for the deep thought, but in my current state of mental mayhem, I find myself feeling constantly uneasy. It's a feeling I'm sure most people go through when there are big changes. When one must take a "leap of faith" so to speak and trust that the future will unfold as it should. I like to think that the pieces will soon fit together, I being the master behind the puzzle. Better yet, perhaps just postpone the time when decisions are definitive in order to see which pieces fit better together.

Hence, my temporary escape from medicine. At my loss in the ability to take that leap, I have chosen to defer my fate yet one more year and pursue what I hope will only add color and adventure to the game of life. I'm looking forward to my time in Boston and what an incredible opportunity this can be. Some might call it an experience, others take it as an accomplishment, I on the other hand, find it a relief.

The mere thought of being able to be free for a year is blissful. Now, freedom is really a relative term at this point. The curriculum I'm sure will be challenging, but I can only anticipate that my time will be more my own and that I can do some personal development while I'm at it. Will this alternative help me figure out my ultimate plan...who knows? All I can ask for is an experience that reassures me that life is worth living and that it truly is the journey and not the destination.
Now that notion, the journey and not just the destination, can be applied to any aspect of life. Day to day life, interactions with people, and the experiences that build memories are all based on the events in its entirety and not the final outcome. In taking this moment of reflection, I'm glad to know that this is still my approach to life.

And to quickly touch on the point that aroused me to such thought- the concept that life in itself has no guarantee. Even in a time of medical breakthroughs and pharmacological miracles, one can never be certain of the day. From the patients I watched being resuscitated in the ER after a traumatic accident to the children battling a fatal infection, I am humbled by the fact that I don't fear my life or even my death. I don't sit here with a terminal illness waiting for my sentence nor do I fearfully anticipate the accident that might take my life...
(I say this as I hear yet another helicopter hover over my house to rapidly transport a patient as the folks in the ED work to save someone from their final moments...sit back and think about it...and at the same time, I sit here and think about someone close to me awaiting the possiblity of a fatal diagnosis that can take her life within months)

I continue on each day never worried about the next...And today, I'm grateful for it.